by: Andy Gear, PLPC
1. Avoid blaming
In our consumer
culture it is tempting to look for ways to change the other person. We often
look at the people in our relationships as we would products and want them to
perform to our liking (Doherty). However, it is ineffective and destructive to
try to change someone else. Instead it is much more effective to initiate
change in your own behavior. In most cases changing how you approach the
relationship will have a positive effect on the marriage, regardless of your
partner’s intention to change. This is a countercultural way of living, but one
that will improve relationships immensely if lived consistently.
2. Take time to reflect
Changing the way
you act in relationships requires a great deal of self-reflection. We must think
about who we truly are and how we want to live. It is vital to see beyond our
surface frustrations to the softer emotions that are driving our fears and
longings. If we do not reflect, we will see our marriage issues as merely
frustrations with the other person’s behavior. In order to communicate with your spouse effectively you
must know what is going on inside you.
3. Determine true needs
Reject the
consumer mentality that your partner must meet your each and every desire. Spouses
cannot meet every one of our needs and that is ok. We can distinguish between our
needs and desires. We all have hopes and desires, but it is unfair to establish
goals for another person. Determine what you truly need from your spouse, and
what are simply desires or qualities that can be met by a friend.
4. Communicate your needs directly
Communicate to your spouse
what you truly need in the relationship honestly and directly. Though it may be
terrifying, we must have the courage to communicate our honest feelings to our
spouse instead of someone else. If we do not communicate what we most
long for in the relationship, our partner is unable to respond to our deepest
needs. But if we communicate our deepest feelings we open
ourselves up to the possibility of closer intimacy.
5. Respond to each other’s needs
Respond to your
partner’s feelings, reassuring them that you are there for them (Johnson). Be
emotionally responsive to each other’s deepest fears and needs. It is not about agreeing
with the other person’s view but trying to understand where the other person is
coming from. Our problems often have more to do with the hurt and the
disconnection than about the disagreements. Seeing one’s partner respond
empathetically to their deepest needs has a deeply bonding effect. This does
not imply that we solve them, but that we show that we understand. Showing your
partner that they matter to you helps create a safe and secure relationship
where one can be less defensive (Johnson).
6. Clarify your commitment
Knowing that you
are both committed to the marriage can help lower the emotional intensity of
your conflict. It
helps to understand that the frustrations you are pointing out in your
partner are not deal breakers. Agree that you do not want divorce to be a part
of the conversation (Doherty). With this commitment, you can take the time to
improve the marriage at its root, rather than frantically trying to rescue the
marriage from the brink. Of course not all couples will be able to tell each
other that divorce is not an option, but for those who can, this can reduce
tension and improve your ability to work on your marriage.
7. Fight for the relationship
Relationships naturally
weaken when they are neglected. Resist the urge to simply fight for your own
needs, instead fight for the needs of the relationship (Doherty). Take
responsibility for the relationship and be intentional about it. Work together to look for creative and
practical ways to continue to connect in your daily lives. Make it a priority. Staying
together even through a difficult marriage (except in extreme cases) is
rewarding, both for you and for your entire family. But keeping that close connection
requires work, commitment, and making the relationship a priority.
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