Book Review: "Life Without Ed"

By Katy Martin, LPC

I believe that I have recommended the book, "Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence From Her Eating Disorder and How you Can Too" by Jenni Schaefer, more than any other since I have begun specializing in working with people struggling with disorder eating.

Jenni Schaefer is in recovery from her own eating disorder, and she is now a great advocate for those who continue to struggle with their own treatment and recovery.  It is written by herself, along with insight from the therapist who walked with her on this journey.  It is honest, and so very insightful.

Eating disorders do not make sense.  Just ask anyone struggling with one or who is living along side someone with one.  We need to eat to live, right?  Why manipulate a necessity?  They are so complex, involving societal, circumstantial, and physiological factors that are different for every single person.  I meet with clients, and families of clients, who cannot make sense of what is happening.

This book is gold in that it provides insight from the very depths of the struggle and gives hope for recovery.  If you are struggling with an eating disorder, if you have a family member or loved one struggling, or you work in a field that may encounter these struggles, please buy this book.  It is not a clinical book; it is this young woman's story and it will captivate you.

What is Your Story? A Self Exploration Activity

by: Courtney Hollingsworth, PLPC 

Oftentimes it seems that whatever may lie in the past, we prefer to keep there. It seems so much simpler or safer or smarter to just pack up our past in a box and put it on a shelf in the storage room of our heart. It's in the past, so what does it matter? Many of us wrestle with this very question.

I like to think of each life as a story that is being lived out. Just as in the stories we enjoy in the pages of books, each of our lives is filled with highs, lows, joys, sorrows, disappointments, dashed dreams, dreams come true, pain, and love, just to name a few. In order to grasp the fullness of the main character's story in a book, we have to begin at the beginning. Picking up a novel and starting at Chapter 32 is going to not only rob us of the story’s depth, but would likely make for a confusing storyline. There is much to be gleaned from the parts of our lives we have already lived, as every step has gotten us to where we are today.

Below is an activity that can be helpful in beginning to search back into our life’s story to recapture the valuable pieces available to us there. Consider spending some time revisiting the previously aired episodes of your life. Ask someone, whether a trusted friend, mentor, or counselor, to begin this journey with you.

Activity:

Pick a milestone to write about using the chart below or divide your life up appropriately. Start with sentence: "This was a time in my life when...." and let the writing flow.

Use this outline:

1. Get a clean sheet of paper and date it.

2. Select the milestone that you wish to write about, and write it at the top of the paper.

3. Write down the five questions:

   a. Where was I living at this time in my life?

   b. Whom was I living with at this time in my life?

   c. What was important to me at this time in my life?

   d. What was I afraid of at this time in my life?

   e. Who were my friends at this time in my life?

4. Reflect for a moment on the milestone and the questions.

5. Begin to write, starting with the phrase "This was a time in my life when..."

Major Milestones:

0-10

11-20

20-30

30-40

40-50

50-60

70-80

I would like to introduce you to...

Lianne Johnson, LPC

As humans we struggle with many things.  Some struggles are easier to talk about, while others cause us to hide.  Mention the word sex and most of the time people shrink back from the conversation.  Mention the struggle of same-sex attraction or sexual addiction and more often than not, people will find another conversation of which to become a part. 

FirstLight is a not-for-profit ministry organization seeking to make these types of struggles and conversations better understood and easier to talk about.  They focus on walking alongside, those struggling with same-sex attractions and sexual addictions.  Recently they also began offering support groups for family members, spouses, and others walking intimately with an individual struggling in sexual ways. 

Sean Maney, the Director of FirstLight since 2010, has greatly expanded the ministry.  When he arrived, FirstLight had 2-3 volunteers with 2 groups, and now there are 20 volunteers who are running and developing 13 groups!

I had the opportunity to sit with down with him over a good cup of coffee and discuss the ministry of FirstLight.  I asked him some questions, which he kindly answered.  Here is what he had to say…

Q:  Lianne:  "Tell me about the ministry of FirstLight."

A:  Sean:  “FirstLight ministries began a little over 10 years ago when a group of pastors and counselors saw a need for there to be a more compassionate response to homosexually within the church.  They desired to create a loving place for people struggling with homosexuality to be supported.  This group of pastors and counselors prayed for roughly 4 years about creating a ministry to support this identified need.  From this desire and faithful prayer came FirstLight. 

In 2003, FirstLight became a not-for-profit.  FirstLight desires to walk alongside the church and support its ministry to those struggling with homosexuality.  While initially FirstLight sought to solely address the struggle of homosexuality, now we have expanded our ministry to include sexual addictions, same-sex attraction, pornography addiction, and support for spouses & parents who have family members struggling with these issues.  Overall, our focus is to be a safe place for those in the community and in the church who are facing these types of issues. 

FirstLight also aims to teach and train within the community about these issues.”  

Q:  Lianne:  "What groups are you currently offering?"  

A:  Sean:  “Currently we are offering 6 groups for men with sex addictions, a group for men with same-sex attraction, a spouse & parent support group, and a group for women with same-sex attraction/addiction.”

Q:  Lianne:  "Are these groups confidential?"  

A:  Sean:  “Yes.  The groups are kept small and are led by trained facilitators.  We place a high priority on keeping identity and stories confidential.  We have had leaders in the church (including pastors) in the program and are very aware of the need to keep our work confidential.” 

Q:  Lianne:  "Are there areas of FirstLight’s ministry you hope to grow in the next year?"  

A:  Sean:  “Of course!  We would love to see all of our areas grow.  Specifically, we would like to see our ministry to women grow; our groups for women who are struggling with same-sex attraction and sexual addiction.  Statistics say 1 in 4 porn users are women.  In this next year we hope to raise enough funds to hire a female director to help me lead these ministries. 

Also, we would like to continue growing our partnerships with churches in the area.” 

Q:  Lianne:  "Does FirstLight have a 'Wish List'?"  

A:  Sean:  “Our first and most immediate wish would be for us to raise enough funds that would enable us to hire a female director. 

At this time, our groups are held all around the St. Louis area in churches and counseling centers that partner with us.  Although we want to continue having our groups offered all throughout the St. Louis area, a wish is to have a ministry “house” that would allow for centralized offices and groups. 

A third wish is to have someone come on staff who can nurture our community contacts and donors.  Part of this is helping churches talk about these issues.  We are a voice for people who are struggling with these issues.  We have found the support we receive from the community, whether that be financial or prayers, to be a great source of encouragement for those we serve. 

Expanding our base of supporters is another big wish we have.  We need individuals and churches to financially support us, and to support our ministry within the community.  Frankly, we need many more people to give financially to our ministry.  FirstLight is a donation-based ministry; churches and individuals in the area support us.  We hope to be a blessing to people, and as they are able we hope that people are able to bless us in return.

We don’t want anyone in the church or our community who is struggling with these issues to not get the help they need.”

Q:  Lianne:  "How can someone find out more about FirstLight?"  

A:  Sean:  “The best way is to go to our website www.firstlightstlouis.org.”    

Video Games and the Art of Conversation with a 9 Year Old

by Jonathan Hart, LPC

As I was listening to the 45-minute symphonic sound track audio CD that came with one of the Wii games that my son received for Christmas, I thought, "Music for video games has come a long way from "Mario Brothers".  the honking, hooting electronic melodies have been replaced by full orchestral productions and often accompany full chorus vocals and soloists.  Pong didn't even *have* music.

The truth is, a lot of things in video games have come a long way.  Graphics engines and technology can paint lifelike and often breathtaking scenery and even weather, match body movements with environment and mouths with voices, simulate the passage of time and create a virtual world that is so realistic that it can pull you in.  There is some high-quality artwork being done for some of these games (and some of the work is crap, so don't take this as a blanket statement!).

What becomes a challenge is when the realism of the games lines up with reality.  Many of the most popular games out right now (Modern Warfare, Battlefield, Skyrim, to name a few) are visually VERY realistic - and gory.  They are probably too intense for your grade-school or even your middle-school student.  R-rated movie language, blood splatters, and the psychological effect of "doing" the actions oneself earn these games a rating of "M"-for "Mature" or 17 years old and up.

I became sad and confused when my 9 year old came home from school sad and upset that when his friends were talking about these games, he had no frame of reference.  He felt left out and "lame".  I wanted to help him, and I considered getting one of these games for him so he can be "cool" again.

And then I woke up.  There is no way I would let me son watch a violent action movie like "The Expendables", so there is no way I am going to knowingly expose my son to the violence and blood of "Modern Warfare".  He is not ready to interpret and process witnessing scenes like those, much less the mental and emotional training that enacting the scenes would create even if in a limited fashion. He's 9.  He does not need to be knifing people or going for the "head shot", even if they are "just" pixel people.  This ain't "Super Smash Bros." anymore.

We developed a compromise.  I sat and talked with my son about my concerns regarding the games, and explained why Mom and I wouldn't allow him to play them.  We talked about the importance of "cool" and of feeling accepted or left out, and what it was like for him, and offered some ways to think about it differently. Then we talked about finding some "cool" games that he could play and not feel as left out when he was hanging with his buddies.  We looked online together and researched some newer games (within his age range), and then added them to the Christmas list.

We also talked about the differences between families.  Some families allow their 9 and 10 year olds to play these games, and some (like ours) don't.  We can't make anyone else do things differently, nor in this case is it our place to tell them what they should or shouldn't be doing.  This subject is not a question of right and wrong, it's a question of wisdom.  Mom and Dad are responsible to make wise decisions for our children, and to teach them how to make wise decisions for themselves.

We can only do this by modeling it and talking about it together.  We have to make the decisions, and explain the why behind it in a way that the kids can understand.  This takes (gasp) work.  It takes time. It takes Mom and Dad staying connected and involved with their kids.  We have to work at creating a language and a pattern (context) with our kids that makes reasonable conversations possible.  Training our kids takes more than "Because I said so!".

So start small.  If you don't have small conversations with your kids you won't be able to have big ones.  Ask them questions that can't be answered with "yes" or "no".  Practice really listening to them. Have a LOT of positive, interactive conversations about what seems like nothing.  Enter their world and be a part of it.  Be interested.  What their character did in "Zelda" might not matter to you, but it does to them.

If your kids get the feeling that you are just nodding and grunting a response at them but not really listening, the context for conversation will wither.  They will stop talking, and you will stop knowing them.  If they know you are interested in them (even when you're not terribly interested in the subject), it will be easier to talk about the "heavier" subjects when the time comes.

So keep the conversation going with them, about them, on their level and about their thoughts, feelings, desires, and dreams.  And yes, about video games, too.

(For some more good thoughts on video games and compromises, check this out: http://www.allprodad.com/blog/2012/01/05/a-good-compromise-on-video-games/)

To Make a Resolution or Not to Make a Resolution; That is the Question

By: Katy Martin, LPC

Happy New Year!

Now is the time that we all look forward to a fresh start, new possibilities, new resolve to make changes, and try new things.

Popular resolutions tend to be: losing weight, working out, starting a new hobby, an attitude adjustment, starting therapy, organizing your living space, becoming less busy, having more fun, doing something new, stopping a current habit, etc.

Have you thought about yours?  Do you have actual resolutions or do you just feel like you SHOULD be doing something different?

It doesn’t help with media pumping out ad after ad of the latest weight-loss plans and gym membership deals.  Our Facebook newsfeed is overloaded with enough optimism about the new year and resolutions to sink a battleship.  Oh, and blogs.  How could we pass up blogs?  All of the blogs listing everyone’s fantastic resolutions and lists to accomplish over the next year.

Yes, this is dripping with sarcasm.

I really do love the idea of a fresh, new year.  I feel as if it’s a built-in opportunity to re-evaluate and make change that’s wanted but that we often feel too overwhelmed to do anything about. 

But what happens in February?  March?  When we haven’t done as well as we would have liked at keeping our resolutions?  How about October when we’ve totally forgotten about them?

Do you feel guilt?  Shame?  Does it feed into the lies that you can’t accomplish anything?  Do you feel even more like a failure? 

It’s these awful thoughts and attitudes that make me a little hesitant about resolutions.  I think this is why we should view the idea of New Year’s resolutions with care and concern.

Set your goals; strive for change.  But are you doing it within reason?  Are they attainable goals for your phase of life right now?  Are you setting your self up for success?  Do you need to seek out professional guidance?

Use this opportunity to focus on real things that you would like to change in your life.  Specifically, that in which can be realistically changed and is something you desire, not just something you SHOULD do.  Seek out appropriate means to accomplish this goal, and use the people closest to you for accountability in the process.

When someone decides to run a marathon, they aren’t going to just get off the couch and immediately run 26.2 miles.  They need a plan, time to train, encouragement, and enjoyment in the process.  I believe that we can be successful with our resolutions, with our desire for change, if we adapt the same process to our every day lives.