The book I have been recommending like crazy!

By:  Lianne Johnson, LPC

Of late I find myself recommending the book, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene' Brown, to as many people as I can.  Perhaps you have read it.  If so, what did you think?

Her subtitle (or whatever it is called) is, "Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are."  I mean really, in a culture like ours and with a subtitle like that, who wouldn't be allured to read it!

Brene' Brown is easy to read, straight-forward, honest in disclosing her own struggles with her own journey to learn who she is, and quite insightful.  If you choose to read this book (which obviously I think you should) you will read about topics like shame, guilt, our struggles with perfectionism, our fear of being known for who we are and how all of these lead us down a path of self-judgement, isolation, and over-identification.

She goes on to share how we can break free from these strongholds and learn to experience self-compassion, common humanity, mindfulness, and ultimately freedom to be who we have been created to be without fearing our common man.

So what on earth are you waiting for?  Stop reading this (since this post is now finished anyway) and get your copy today!  At least that's what I would do if I were you.

Have a great day to all who chose to read!

Lianne

Raising a Superhero

by: Andy Gear, PLPC

“Since teaching college I've been amazed at two things: (1) how deeply young adults want their parents to be proud of them, and (2) just how deeply parents communicate, directly or indirectly, that their kids are not good enough. . . . I may invest in a dry/wet vac for my office. They believe their parents love them but don't believe their parents are proud of them.” –Dr. Anthony Bradley

My wife and I are having our first child in less than a month, and we are very excited to meet her! Awaiting her birth has stirred up all sorts of emotions in me. I have so many hopes, so many fears, and so many desires for this little person.

I want to have a happy and healthy baby, as all parents do. But I have other hopes and desires as well. My wife and I often lie in bed at night and dream about what our little girl will one day be. We dream of her being a special person: smart, funny, sensitive, doing something we think important (becoming a doctor, a professor, or the President of the United States).

But where do these desires come from and are they good for our developing child? We think she should do special things because she is special to us but also because of our own unfulfilled desires. If we are disappointed with how our life turned out we might desire that our child do what we were unable to accomplish or be the person we wish we were.

The problem is that this completely ignores the humanity and uniqueness of our child. Shouldn’t she have a say in this? This may not be who our child is. She is a little person, not a vessel through which to meet all our unfulfilled desires. It is normal to have dreams, but it can be harmful to have goals or expectations for another human being.

The professor (quoted at the beginning) made the point that well-meaning parents place too much weight on their child’s performance. We put subtle pressure on our children to be an academic, spiritual, athletic, social, or financial success. We make our child’s performance part of our own identity. So we send subtle messages to our children about the conditions for their acceptability.

Our children begin to sense that we are only proud of them when they meet the expectations or goals that we have for them. So they often try to become what we want them to be—to varying degrees of success. But this is done at the expense their own identity and happiness. When they don’t fit the mold we set for them, they feel as though they are failures and are not free to pursue who they truly are.

Just because our child is special to us, doesn’t mean that it is not acceptable for them to be ‘ordinary.’ Not everyone has to be a doctor, a CEO, or the President of the United States. It is enough for them to be themselves. Of course we want to nurture them and provide an environment where they can flourish. But we must be ok with them being who they are. If we are not, they probably won’t be either. They will go through life believing that they are not good enough, don’t have what it takes, or are defective. They may suffer from low self-esteem or anxiety about their performance. Our expectations may rob them of the joy of enjoying who they are.

The messages we send our children, as parents, are extremely powerful. Our words and actions can send the message that they are acceptable because of who they are, not what they do. Or we can subtly poison them with the message that they are only acceptable if their performance matches our expectations. 

Though I may not dream of my daughter being an emotionally reserved janitor, what if that is who she is and chooses to be? Would I celebrate who she is? Or would I subtly communicate that she needs to change in order to make me proud? When I expect her to be someone else I am doing violence against her own unique humanity. She is her own person, and I want to help that person flourish.

I don’t want to create an environment for my daughter that leads to her crying in her professor’s office because she doesn’t think she is living up to my expectations. Though I have hopes and dreams, it is unfair for me to have expectations or goals for another human. She gets to decide who she wants to be, and I have the privilege of helping foster her unique self. I want her to flourish, but I don’t get to decide how she flourishes. She doesn’t have to be the best at anything to make me proud. She will make me proud by just being who she is.  

What the staff is reading these days...

The other day in staff meeting we discussed what each counselor's top book pick is these days, and here is the list:

1.  Book:  Why Does He Do That?
Author:  Lundy Bancroft.
Courtney says, "This book gives insight into the way angry and controlling men operate in relationships."

2.  Book:  Gifts of Imperfections:  Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.
Author:  Brene Brown
Anna says, "This book is about taking risks, being vulnerable, and learning to live wholeheartedly."

3.  Book:  When Being Good Isn't Good Enough
Author:  Steve Brown
Jonathan says, "This book is for the Spiritual over-achiever in all of us."

4.  Book:  Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction
Author:  Mark Laaser
Andy says, "This book is about finding freedom for your sexual addiction."

5.  Book:  The 10 Best-Ever Anxiety Management Techniques
Author:  Margaret Wehrenberg
Lianne says, "This book is all about anxiety - learning to manage it - learning to help others who struggle with it - learning about why we are anxious people."

Hope you enjoyed our list!

-Lianne