by Jonathan Hart
If this phrase fills you with a sense of foreboding, you're not alone. For many, the holidays can be a time of guilt and frustration in which the traditional family gatherings are fraught with conflict, tension, and heartache. Family gatherings can be confusing. "Why is this so hard? Is it supposed to be like this? That's just how they are, I need to get over it... but I can't!"
Families are rarely perfect. We often feel pressures and expectations when we are among our closest relatives that we don't feel anywhere else or at any other time of year. I've heard more than one person complain, "Mom (or Dad) treats me like I'm still twelve years old! They don't seem to understand that I'm an adult now," or "I just go along with it! I can't seem to stand my ground with them."
While these pressures and conflicts are not unusual, they are painful and difficult to handle for many people. We feel the power of these relationships and expectations deeply, and we aren't sure what we have the right to challenge and what we don't. All too often we avoid confronting what is painful because the consequences are just too great. "I can't say that to my Mother! It would crush her! It would ruin the whole trip!"
If you are among those who need help sorting out the expectations and learning how to relate in a healthier way when you're at home, I'd encourage you to sign up for the "Surviving the Holidays" seminar that we are presenting at Rooftop Church in Affton on Friday, November 9th from 5:30-9:00 PM. We will discuss how relationships are designed to function, how they get off track, and how to change the pattern in a healthy direction. For details on how to register for this event CLICK HERE!
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
October 14, 2012
March 4, 2012
Fiction, Hollywood, and Real Relationship
by Jonathan Hart, LPC
SPOILER ALERT: for those who haven't read the Harry Potter or Hunger Games series, there may be plot spoilers in the following paragraphs, though I will try hard not to reveal too much.
My wife and I were discussing some of our thoughts about how the books The Deathly Hallows and Mockingjay ended, and how they served to wrap up their respective series. We were thoroughly disappointed in each and for similar reasons. The core of our disappointment was the principle of "putting a bow on ugly".
The Harry Potter series ended with an epilogue titled "19 years later", that (we felt) too neatly and agreeably attempted to wrap up all the threads from the series. The fact that Harry named a child after the person who most utterly despised him and treated him viciously even behind closed doors was just too much. I can see coming to respect him, but one simply does not name a child after an abuser of this magnitude. All the ugliness seemed to have inexplicably vanished.
The Hunger Games series tried to do the same thing, though the attempt at closure was somewhat better. The author at least attempted to acknowledge that ugly existed in the post-story world, but it was still resolved too simplistically and without the flesh to make it believable for me.
Hollywood and fiction train us to expect that all the loose ends can be resolved, that resolution equals "happily ever after" or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. They train us to need things to work out that way. This is most plainly true in the (despicable and utterly useless) genre known as "Romantic Comedy". I cannot say more without using profanity.
Think of the sense of disappointment or unease when you watch a movie in which resolution is not clean or neat. We recently watched the movie Moneyball, which does not conclude with a "Hollywood Ending". I can only say that the events depicted happened within the recent lifetimes of many, and as such could not be modified to fit the pattern described above. I feel that if they were more ancient history they would likely have been changed into something completely victorious.
This is fine, and even necessary (to a degree) for celluloid. The unfortunate side effect is that because reality is very much different, many people are left with a sense of disappointment and even despair when real life does not work that way. The truth is that human beings are generally a broken, selfish lot that is capable of both great goodness and great evil, often within a single breath.
The fact is that intimacy, real relationship, and engaging responsibly with another human being is often like a wrestling match. The very best relationship in the world experiences conflict and disagreement, hurt and offense, misunderstanding and tension on an ongoing basis. The couple who tells you that "never a harsh word is spoken" is either whitewashing, outright lying, or they are not experiencing real, deep intimacy.
If you are going to really do deep, intimate relationship with another person, you'd better know how to fight. I don't mean knowing how to eviscerate your opponent in the shortest period of time. I mean knowing how to hold in tension the following two truths: 1. This other person and I are on the same side, and 2. There is pain and friction between us.
When I talk about knowing how to fight, I mean knowing how to understand and express my own feelings and thoughts in a way that does not accuse or attack the other, even when it is plainly and wholly their fault. I mean learning how to uphold their honor and dignity while feeling the painfully powerful desire to rip their eyes out. I mean knowing how to view conflict as a necessary part of doing relationship, and not as a threat to relationship.
It is often one of the hardest lessons to learn in relationship that resolution is not about coming to agreement, but rather it is about coming to a deeper understanding of the other person, and thereby learning how to craft a unique relationship between the two of you. No part of that process is clean, neat, or simple. It is ugly, and to expect or demand otherwise only leads to disappointment. You can put a bow on it if you like, but that doesn't make it easier to look at. It takes patience, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love. When you've come to the other side of it, it will still be ugly, but there is a beauty in what has been created by moving through it that will last a lifetime.
SPOILER ALERT: for those who haven't read the Harry Potter or Hunger Games series, there may be plot spoilers in the following paragraphs, though I will try hard not to reveal too much.
My wife and I were discussing some of our thoughts about how the books The Deathly Hallows and Mockingjay ended, and how they served to wrap up their respective series. We were thoroughly disappointed in each and for similar reasons. The core of our disappointment was the principle of "putting a bow on ugly".
The Harry Potter series ended with an epilogue titled "19 years later", that (we felt) too neatly and agreeably attempted to wrap up all the threads from the series. The fact that Harry named a child after the person who most utterly despised him and treated him viciously even behind closed doors was just too much. I can see coming to respect him, but one simply does not name a child after an abuser of this magnitude. All the ugliness seemed to have inexplicably vanished.
The Hunger Games series tried to do the same thing, though the attempt at closure was somewhat better. The author at least attempted to acknowledge that ugly existed in the post-story world, but it was still resolved too simplistically and without the flesh to make it believable for me.
Hollywood and fiction train us to expect that all the loose ends can be resolved, that resolution equals "happily ever after" or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof. They train us to need things to work out that way. This is most plainly true in the (despicable and utterly useless) genre known as "Romantic Comedy". I cannot say more without using profanity.
Think of the sense of disappointment or unease when you watch a movie in which resolution is not clean or neat. We recently watched the movie Moneyball, which does not conclude with a "Hollywood Ending". I can only say that the events depicted happened within the recent lifetimes of many, and as such could not be modified to fit the pattern described above. I feel that if they were more ancient history they would likely have been changed into something completely victorious.
This is fine, and even necessary (to a degree) for celluloid. The unfortunate side effect is that because reality is very much different, many people are left with a sense of disappointment and even despair when real life does not work that way. The truth is that human beings are generally a broken, selfish lot that is capable of both great goodness and great evil, often within a single breath.
The fact is that intimacy, real relationship, and engaging responsibly with another human being is often like a wrestling match. The very best relationship in the world experiences conflict and disagreement, hurt and offense, misunderstanding and tension on an ongoing basis. The couple who tells you that "never a harsh word is spoken" is either whitewashing, outright lying, or they are not experiencing real, deep intimacy.
If you are going to really do deep, intimate relationship with another person, you'd better know how to fight. I don't mean knowing how to eviscerate your opponent in the shortest period of time. I mean knowing how to hold in tension the following two truths: 1. This other person and I are on the same side, and 2. There is pain and friction between us.
When I talk about knowing how to fight, I mean knowing how to understand and express my own feelings and thoughts in a way that does not accuse or attack the other, even when it is plainly and wholly their fault. I mean learning how to uphold their honor and dignity while feeling the painfully powerful desire to rip their eyes out. I mean knowing how to view conflict as a necessary part of doing relationship, and not as a threat to relationship.
It is often one of the hardest lessons to learn in relationship that resolution is not about coming to agreement, but rather it is about coming to a deeper understanding of the other person, and thereby learning how to craft a unique relationship between the two of you. No part of that process is clean, neat, or simple. It is ugly, and to expect or demand otherwise only leads to disappointment. You can put a bow on it if you like, but that doesn't make it easier to look at. It takes patience, forgiveness, grace, mercy, and love. When you've come to the other side of it, it will still be ugly, but there is a beauty in what has been created by moving through it that will last a lifetime.
February 5, 2012
Start at the Bottom... And Stay There.
By Jonathan Hart, LPC
I work with a lot of couples, and one thing I notice a lot of is Expectations. I think this is a simple fact of being human. We place a lot of expectations in the people around us. The closer they are, the more we expect of them. Most of the arguments I hear (and honestly, most of the arguments I start myself) begin the same way: "You always..." or "You never...". Loosely translated, what this usually works out to is something like this: "You don't do what I want/hope/expect you to do. I have the right to expect that you will do this. My expectations are disappointed."
Naturally when someone hears a statement like this, the human response is a defensive counterattack. "Oh Yeah? Well, YOU always..." and it only goes down hill from there. A good rule of thumb is to listen for the words "Always" and "Never". Often, those words are code for the expectations that we have, and that we feel our partner is not meeting.
It is a natural pattern to look at everything our partner is supposed to be doing and highlight where they are dropping the ball. But what if we turned this pattern on its head? What if we were able to shift our focus away from the places our partner is disappointing us and look instead at how we can help them be everything they were made to be? To organize our efforts at encouraging and building them up instead of encouraging them to build us up?
I am not suggesting that we should simply try to do everything our partner tells us to do. That would be about as much fun as boot camp. That only feeds the conflict monster. I am suggesting that we work toward helping them be more emphatically themselves, rather than trying to shape them into who we want them to be.
This requires listening to and learning about who they are, who they want to be, their hopes and dreams, desires and fears. It requires starting at the bottom, working to understand what makes them tick and why they do things the way they do rather than trying to convince them that the way they are doing it is wrong. It requires placing yourself in the position of learner rather than expert. We are asking the question, "How can I help you reach your dreams and goals?" rather than "What have you done for me lately?"
This is not mindless subservience. Sometimes helping someone be better at being themselves can include challenge. It can include confronting hurtful and destructive patterns. It can include stretching and pushing someone we care about outside their customary limits. And again, these things must be done in a spirit, not of reshaping them into our own image of what they should be, but of helping them sharpen and explore their own potential. I am talking about placing yourself at the service of your partner.
There is a lot more to this idea than there is space to explore it here. Consider this a teaser, food for thought. I am asking you to simply consider what it might be like to "through love, serve one another".
I work with a lot of couples, and one thing I notice a lot of is Expectations. I think this is a simple fact of being human. We place a lot of expectations in the people around us. The closer they are, the more we expect of them. Most of the arguments I hear (and honestly, most of the arguments I start myself) begin the same way: "You always..." or "You never...". Loosely translated, what this usually works out to is something like this: "You don't do what I want/hope/expect you to do. I have the right to expect that you will do this. My expectations are disappointed."
Naturally when someone hears a statement like this, the human response is a defensive counterattack. "Oh Yeah? Well, YOU always..." and it only goes down hill from there. A good rule of thumb is to listen for the words "Always" and "Never". Often, those words are code for the expectations that we have, and that we feel our partner is not meeting.
It is a natural pattern to look at everything our partner is supposed to be doing and highlight where they are dropping the ball. But what if we turned this pattern on its head? What if we were able to shift our focus away from the places our partner is disappointing us and look instead at how we can help them be everything they were made to be? To organize our efforts at encouraging and building them up instead of encouraging them to build us up?
I am not suggesting that we should simply try to do everything our partner tells us to do. That would be about as much fun as boot camp. That only feeds the conflict monster. I am suggesting that we work toward helping them be more emphatically themselves, rather than trying to shape them into who we want them to be.
This requires listening to and learning about who they are, who they want to be, their hopes and dreams, desires and fears. It requires starting at the bottom, working to understand what makes them tick and why they do things the way they do rather than trying to convince them that the way they are doing it is wrong. It requires placing yourself in the position of learner rather than expert. We are asking the question, "How can I help you reach your dreams and goals?" rather than "What have you done for me lately?"
This is not mindless subservience. Sometimes helping someone be better at being themselves can include challenge. It can include confronting hurtful and destructive patterns. It can include stretching and pushing someone we care about outside their customary limits. And again, these things must be done in a spirit, not of reshaping them into our own image of what they should be, but of helping them sharpen and explore their own potential. I am talking about placing yourself at the service of your partner.
There is a lot more to this idea than there is space to explore it here. Consider this a teaser, food for thought. I am asking you to simply consider what it might be like to "through love, serve one another".
January 8, 2012
Video Games and the Art of Conversation with a 9 Year Old
by Jonathan Hart, LPC
As I was listening to the 45-minute symphonic sound track audio CD that came with one of the Wii games that my son received for Christmas, I thought, "Music for video games has come a long way from "Mario Brothers". the honking, hooting electronic melodies have been replaced by full orchestral productions and often accompany full chorus vocals and soloists. Pong didn't even *have* music.
The truth is, a lot of things in video games have come a long way. Graphics engines and technology can paint lifelike and often breathtaking scenery and even weather, match body movements with environment and mouths with voices, simulate the passage of time and create a virtual world that is so realistic that it can pull you in. There is some high-quality artwork being done for some of these games (and some of the work is crap, so don't take this as a blanket statement!).
What becomes a challenge is when the realism of the games lines up with reality. Many of the most popular games out right now (Modern Warfare, Battlefield, Skyrim, to name a few) are visually VERY realistic - and gory. They are probably too intense for your grade-school or even your middle-school student. R-rated movie language, blood splatters, and the psychological effect of "doing" the actions oneself earn these games a rating of "M"-for "Mature" or 17 years old and up.
I became sad and confused when my 9 year old came home from school sad and upset that when his friends were talking about these games, he had no frame of reference. He felt left out and "lame". I wanted to help him, and I considered getting one of these games for him so he can be "cool" again.
And then I woke up. There is no way I would let me son watch a violent action movie like "The Expendables", so there is no way I am going to knowingly expose my son to the violence and blood of "Modern Warfare". He is not ready to interpret and process witnessing scenes like those, much less the mental and emotional training that enacting the scenes would create even if in a limited fashion. He's 9. He does not need to be knifing people or going for the "head shot", even if they are "just" pixel people. This ain't "Super Smash Bros." anymore.
We developed a compromise. I sat and talked with my son about my concerns regarding the games, and explained why Mom and I wouldn't allow him to play them. We talked about the importance of "cool" and of feeling accepted or left out, and what it was like for him, and offered some ways to think about it differently. Then we talked about finding some "cool" games that he could play and not feel as left out when he was hanging with his buddies. We looked online together and researched some newer games (within his age range), and then added them to the Christmas list.
We also talked about the differences between families. Some families allow their 9 and 10 year olds to play these games, and some (like ours) don't. We can't make anyone else do things differently, nor in this case is it our place to tell them what they should or shouldn't be doing. This subject is not a question of right and wrong, it's a question of wisdom. Mom and Dad are responsible to make wise decisions for our children, and to teach them how to make wise decisions for themselves.
We can only do this by modeling it and talking about it together. We have to make the decisions, and explain the why behind it in a way that the kids can understand. This takes (gasp) work. It takes time. It takes Mom and Dad staying connected and involved with their kids. We have to work at creating a language and a pattern (context) with our kids that makes reasonable conversations possible. Training our kids takes more than "Because I said so!".
So start small. If you don't have small conversations with your kids you won't be able to have big ones. Ask them questions that can't be answered with "yes" or "no". Practice really listening to them. Have a LOT of positive, interactive conversations about what seems like nothing. Enter their world and be a part of it. Be interested. What their character did in "Zelda" might not matter to you, but it does to them.
If your kids get the feeling that you are just nodding and grunting a response at them but not really listening, the context for conversation will wither. They will stop talking, and you will stop knowing them. If they know you are interested in them (even when you're not terribly interested in the subject), it will be easier to talk about the "heavier" subjects when the time comes.
So keep the conversation going with them, about them, on their level and about their thoughts, feelings, desires, and dreams. And yes, about video games, too.
(For some more good thoughts on video games and compromises, check this out: http://www.allprodad.com/blog/2012/01/05/a-good-compromise-on-video-games/)
As I was listening to the 45-minute symphonic sound track audio CD that came with one of the Wii games that my son received for Christmas, I thought, "Music for video games has come a long way from "Mario Brothers". the honking, hooting electronic melodies have been replaced by full orchestral productions and often accompany full chorus vocals and soloists. Pong didn't even *have* music.
The truth is, a lot of things in video games have come a long way. Graphics engines and technology can paint lifelike and often breathtaking scenery and even weather, match body movements with environment and mouths with voices, simulate the passage of time and create a virtual world that is so realistic that it can pull you in. There is some high-quality artwork being done for some of these games (and some of the work is crap, so don't take this as a blanket statement!).
What becomes a challenge is when the realism of the games lines up with reality. Many of the most popular games out right now (Modern Warfare, Battlefield, Skyrim, to name a few) are visually VERY realistic - and gory. They are probably too intense for your grade-school or even your middle-school student. R-rated movie language, blood splatters, and the psychological effect of "doing" the actions oneself earn these games a rating of "M"-for "Mature" or 17 years old and up.
I became sad and confused when my 9 year old came home from school sad and upset that when his friends were talking about these games, he had no frame of reference. He felt left out and "lame". I wanted to help him, and I considered getting one of these games for him so he can be "cool" again.
And then I woke up. There is no way I would let me son watch a violent action movie like "The Expendables", so there is no way I am going to knowingly expose my son to the violence and blood of "Modern Warfare". He is not ready to interpret and process witnessing scenes like those, much less the mental and emotional training that enacting the scenes would create even if in a limited fashion. He's 9. He does not need to be knifing people or going for the "head shot", even if they are "just" pixel people. This ain't "Super Smash Bros." anymore.
We developed a compromise. I sat and talked with my son about my concerns regarding the games, and explained why Mom and I wouldn't allow him to play them. We talked about the importance of "cool" and of feeling accepted or left out, and what it was like for him, and offered some ways to think about it differently. Then we talked about finding some "cool" games that he could play and not feel as left out when he was hanging with his buddies. We looked online together and researched some newer games (within his age range), and then added them to the Christmas list.
We also talked about the differences between families. Some families allow their 9 and 10 year olds to play these games, and some (like ours) don't. We can't make anyone else do things differently, nor in this case is it our place to tell them what they should or shouldn't be doing. This subject is not a question of right and wrong, it's a question of wisdom. Mom and Dad are responsible to make wise decisions for our children, and to teach them how to make wise decisions for themselves.
We can only do this by modeling it and talking about it together. We have to make the decisions, and explain the why behind it in a way that the kids can understand. This takes (gasp) work. It takes time. It takes Mom and Dad staying connected and involved with their kids. We have to work at creating a language and a pattern (context) with our kids that makes reasonable conversations possible. Training our kids takes more than "Because I said so!".
So start small. If you don't have small conversations with your kids you won't be able to have big ones. Ask them questions that can't be answered with "yes" or "no". Practice really listening to them. Have a LOT of positive, interactive conversations about what seems like nothing. Enter their world and be a part of it. Be interested. What their character did in "Zelda" might not matter to you, but it does to them.
If your kids get the feeling that you are just nodding and grunting a response at them but not really listening, the context for conversation will wither. They will stop talking, and you will stop knowing them. If they know you are interested in them (even when you're not terribly interested in the subject), it will be easier to talk about the "heavier" subjects when the time comes.
So keep the conversation going with them, about them, on their level and about their thoughts, feelings, desires, and dreams. And yes, about video games, too.
(For some more good thoughts on video games and compromises, check this out: http://www.allprodad.com/blog/2012/01/05/a-good-compromise-on-video-games/)
June 19, 2011
The Characteristics of Abuse and Control
by Jonathan Hart, LPC
I recently spoke at the Women’s Safe House on the subject of identifying and avoiding potentially abusive relationships. The presentation was called “How Not to Go Back: Finding a Different Kind of Mate”. What follows are a few of the ideas presented at that meeting.
Very often, as people move from relationship to relationship, they find themselves attracted to the same kind of person. They leave one relationship for whatever reason, and find themselves in a relationship with another person who looks, acts, thinks, and speaks in similar ways. The problems of the previous relationship happen all over again in the current one. This is especially troublesome when the other person is abusive or controlling.
Often "number one" on the list of criteria used to judge the suitability of a mate is their appearance, but what needs to be considered most carefully is what is on the inside. Charming behavior and kinds words all too often give way to harshness, belittling, demands, and even physical altercations.
While there is no single characteristic that guarantees that a person is an abuser, I have assembled a list of characteristics that are common among abusive or controlling partners. What follows is not exhaustive: I have tried to assemble a representative list of suggestions on how to see into a person’s character regarding how they will likely view and relate to a mate or partner.
I use the male pronoun because unfortunately, the vast majority of abusers are male. I do not in any way seek to suggest that "all men behave this way". There are indeed men "out there" who are good, honorable, respectful, kind, and loving.
Warning signs:
- Easy frustration or quick temper
- Jealousy or possessiveness (indicates a sense of ownership rather than partnership)
- Getting “carried away”, even in little or positive things (lack of control over impulses)
- Lies, excuses, cover-ups: “I didn’t mean it! I was drunk: it wasn’t me! It was the alcohol.”
- What happens when you say “No.”? If it is disregarded or discounted, take warning!
- Parent/Child relationship (you have rules and consequences for breaking them)
- History: Has he abused before? Does he use force to solve his problems?
- Pushing blame/lack of responsibility: “I wouldn’t have had to do that if you hadn’t…” “You brought this on yourself. You made me mad.”
- Giving orders/making demands versus making requests or seeking your opinion.
- “I’m sorry, but…” The “but” undoes whatever came before it!
Areas to look at:
- Church/Faith/Religion: how is the language of “headship & submission” used? If being the "head" means “I get my way over yours” there is a potential problem!
- Family Patterns: What is his parents’ relationship like? How do his siblings relate to their significant others and children? How does he treat his mother?
- F.O.G.: Does he use Fear, Obligation, or Guilt to get his way? (‘You owe me! Look at all I do/provide for you!”)
- H.A.L.T.: Who is he when he is Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? These are not valid excuses for lashing out!
- You ALWAYS have the right to say what happens to your body. Nobody can tell you that “You have to take it”.
- You are ALWAYS responsible for how you use your body. “You made me do it” is a lie.
I hope some of these ideas are useful as you think about your relationships or as you consider new ones. As I said before, no single characteristic or idea listed above guarantees that a person is abusive or controlling (or not so!). These are ideas to help you see what is on the inside of the person you are attracted to, and to hopefully help you choose someone who will treat you with the dignity and honor that every human being deserves.
Some reading this post may come to understand for the first time that you have experienced a relationship like that which is described above. Some already know it and feel it deeply. Some may realize that these are ways in which you habitually relate. Please understand that hope is real and change is possible. If you would like to discuss this post with me in a confidential manner, please contact me at jonathan@avenuescounselingcenter.org so we can arrange a time to talk.
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